


what do you think about me now (that I've fallen down)

by Feekins



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Ableist Language, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Projecting onto Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley (Good Omens) has ADHD, Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 15:09:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20566400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feekins/pseuds/Feekins
Summary: it probably hurts more than it should. it always has. he's just being ridiculous. if he can just...stay put, and pretend he can't read Aziraphale's name on the screen as his cell phone rings, everything will be okay - everything except him, perhaps, but that's an acceptable loss.it's better than the alternative.





	what do you think about me now (that I've fallen down)

**Author's Note:**

> 1) This work is best read WITHOUT hiding creator's style.
> 
> 2) Our story takes place somewhere between the birth of the Antichrist in 2007 and the start of Nanny Ashtoreth's and Brother Francis's appointments with the Dowlings in 2012.
> 
> 3) Title taken from Hum by Electric President.

yellow eyes all bloodshot, moist and raw. fresh tears cutting new trails through half-dried tracks. the wetness seeps into his hair, sticks to the long bangs in his face. Crowley sniffs, scowls, hugs the pillow to his chest even more tightly.

that familiar ring tone plays again.

it hurts.

it _hurts._

_it hurts it hurts it hurts._

even lying down, the aching, soul-sucking weight of it is too great, too awful for words. it's too much. _he's_ too much. how selfish it would be, subjecting Aziraphale to that, to _him_ right now. best to stay in. it's better for both of them this way. Aziraphale will understand. or he won't. it doesn't really matter now, does it?

a shuddering breath.

silence.

then, Crowley's cell does something it only ever does once every other blue moon: it chimes.

**Character B:**...a rain check on dinner, then?  
  


the hole in Crowley's chest draws a little more of his soul into the void. a sniff. another fat tear sent rolling across his temple. he was supposed to have picked up Aziraphale twenty-three minutes ago.

**Character B:**Which, of course, is absolutely fine, my dear boy.  
  


Crowley's lip actually _quivers._ the only thing keeping him from burying his face in his pillow is the ellipses at the bottom of the screen as Aziraphale starts typing again. they disappear, then reappear a few times.

**Character B:**Would you like me to pop over instead?  
  


_bless_ his fingers for shaking so much as he taps out a response.

**Character A:**not now.  
  
**Character A:**bad time.  
  
**Character B:**Bad? How so?  
  
**Character B:**Crowley, are you quite alright?  
  
**Character B:**I'm calling again.  
  


a flash of panic grips him.

it hurts it hurts _he can't_.

**Character A:**please don't.  
  
**Character B:**Why not?  
  
**Character B:**You're scaring me.  
  


as if Crowley doesn't feel guilty enough. he's all but choking on it - choking without lungs, drowning on dry land.

**Character A:**sorry. I'm not trying to.  
  
**Character A:**I just don't trust myself physically talking.  
  
**Character B:**May I ask why? What's wrong?  
  
**Character A:**...feel bad.  
  


those ellipses don't appear immediately. now Crowley actually does bury his face in his pillow. in his head, he can imagine Aziraphale's voice as clearly as if he's right there with him: _'Well, of course you do. You're a demon. That's what you are.'_ Aziraphale has never actually said this to him - at least, not in those exact words. part of Crowley knows it's all just posturing. another part - a part he's intensely ashamed of - isn't so sure.

when his phone buzzes again and he lifts his head, there are dark blotches on the pillow where his eyes had been.

**Character B:**I REALLY feel like I should come visit you. So that you aren't alone.  
  
**Character B:**You know you aren't, right?  
  


the care in those words should be a balm to Crowley's self-inflicted wounds - and at first, they are - but he's so wound up and the pain is so _deep_. soon, Aziraphale's care stings like alcohol on a scraped knee.

**Character B:**...Crowley?  
  


it's another minute or two before he's able to force himself to reply. after all, he can't lie. not to Aziraphale.

**Character A:**I'm sorry, angel. I don't want to drag you down with me.  
  
**Character B:**You won't.  
  
**Character B:**You're NOT.  
  


Aziraphale's response comes so swiftly, it makes Crowley sob. every subsequent message is like setting broken bones - as much as they make him feel like shattering, the pieces align all the same.

it still hurts.

at the same time, by degrees, the screaming guilt and doubt in Crowley's head becomes a little less deafening.

**Character B:**Why would you ever think such a thing? For God's sake, it isn't as if you tempted me into caring about your well-being.  
  
**Character B:**I do that all on my own.  
  
**Character B:**That's what friends DO.  
  


until it picks up again with a vengeance.

**Character A:**but what if I did?  
  
**Character A:**tempt you?  
  
**Character A:**without knowing it or meaning to?  
  
**Character B:**That doesn't bear thinking about. At all. And I'm fairly certain you know why.  
  
**Character A:**assume I don't.  
  


it's ridiculous, but he's scared. Crowley's so scared to continue, it's thanks to autocorrect that his next message is still coherent.

**Character A:**please, Aziraphale. I fell like I need it speller out for me.  
  
**Character A:**please?  
  


ellipses.

all he wants to do is forget the phone and give into the overwhelming urge to cry out six millennia of silent self-loathing and fear of a rejection that would raze everything he and Aziraphale had ever built together.

what eventually comes is the exact opposite.

**Character B:**I know you, Crowley. You're not that kind of person.  
  
**Character A:**then what kins off person an I?  
  
**Character B:**A rather good one, I think. For starters.  
  
**Character A:**in not.  
  
**Character B:**You are, and nothing you say will convince me otherwise.  
  
**Character B:**Now, what's going on? Where's all this coming from?  
  


he doesn't know when he starts _really_ shaking. it's hard to read through the now constant stream of tears, harder still to tap out a close approximation of the words he wants to get out. not even autocorrect makes sense of it.

**Character A:**vlopt npwhsy.  
  
**Character A:**vkoddy noqyty  
  
**Character A:**gdkgsmgsgjxhkkzkhd  
  
**Character B:**.......I'm sorry, Welsh isn't one of my strong points.  
  
**Character A:**oys nit qekdh  
  
**Character A:**BPT QRKSG  
  
**Character A:**LLLAFNSTGYKSMJYDYJGT  
  
**Character B:**No need to rub it in, now. 😕  
  


the emoji throws him for a loop - Aziraphale _never_ uses them. in fact, up until now, Crowley thought he either didn't know how or disapproved of them. hiccuping a little in his confusion, Crowley hasn't even _begun_ to think of a response when Aziraphale charges onward like a bull doing the gavotte in a china shop.

**Character B:**Unless...  
  
**Character B:**You're not even at home!  
  
**Character B:**Of course!  
  
**Character B:**No wonder we're rescheduling lunch! 😮  
  
**Character B:**I bet you're up in that Welsh village with that really long name, aren't you?  
  
**Character B:**Llanfairpygwyll...pyllgwyllngoll...?  
  


he smiles even as another sob rips out of him. a moment to wipe his eyes clear with his sleeve, then Crowley slowly, oh so precisely taps one letter after another.

**Character A:**Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerych-wyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch  
  
**Character B:**That's the one!!! 😄  
  
**Character B:**You know, I have half a mind to miracle myself up there posthaste. It must be dreadful, being in such a bad way so far from home.  
  
**Character A:**home isn't helping, either, to be honest.  
  
**Character B:**We can talk about it, if you'd like.  
  
**Character B:**Text, rather.  
  


lower lip bitten, chewed in hesitation. it isn't that he's against opening up - he just isn't sure he has the words to do so. they always seem to elude him the moment he so much as _thinks_ of describing this type of hurt.

**Character A:**it's a bit stupid.  
  
**Character B:**I'm sure it isn't.  
  
**Character A:**just...small things. minor frustrations and inconveniences. stuff like that all day. it adds up, sometimes.  
  


new tears.

it's a small price to pay for getting this terrible business off his chest.

**Character A:**next thing you know, you can't bring yourself to get out of bed because it hurts so much and you can't stop crying.  
  
**Character B:**Physical pain?  
  
**Character A:**...yes and no.  
  
**Character A:**it's complicated.  
  
**Character B:**Are you injured?  
  
**Character A:**no, but everything hurts.  
  
**Character B:**...Are you crying right now?  
  
**Character A:**if I said no, would you believe me?  
  
**Character B:**Oh, Crowley...  
  


he might as well have heard Aziraphale say it. his mouth twists. the trembling starts to get bad again. even so, now that Aziraphale's gotten him talking, Crowley can't seem to stop.

**Character A:**I think something's broken about me.  
  
**Character A:**I keep crying, and everything keeps hurting.  
  
**Character A:**and I feel bad telling you about it because I know I'm Malibu you worry, or upsetting you, and if my problem so I shit be dealing with it myself bit I don't k ow how and ira not fair to drag you into or and Inc so sorry angel  
  
**Character B:**Now hold on!  
  
**Character A:**sorry  
  
**Character B:**Hush. You've done NOTHING wrong, my dear.  
  
**Character B:**I'm actually very proud of you for telling me so much.  
  
**Character A:**you aren't?  
  
**Character A:**are?  
  
**Character B:**I am.  
  
**Character B:**I'm glad we're talking about this.  
  
**Character B:**Like I said, you didn't MAKE me care about you. I just do.  
  
**Character B:**And I'm all too happy to help you through this however you need me to.  
  
**Character A:**......Aziraphale?  
  
**Character B:**Yes?  
  
**Character A:**in scared I can't.  
  
**Character B:**Can't what?  
  
**Character A:**get though it.  
  
**Character A:**I fell stuck.  
  
**Character A:**I keep spiraling, like my head can't stop gong back to  
  


and then, it hits him - a moment of clarity so pure, it's like the sky never knew clouds. Crowley's sobs stutter to a sudden stop.

**Character A:**oh.  
  
**Character B:**What? What is it?  
  
**Character A:**I know what's happening.  
  
**Character A:**I'm fixating on the negative feelings. that's what's drawing things out.  
  
**Character B:**Oh.  
  
**Character B:**That'll do it, won't it?  
  
**Character A:**yeah.  
  
**Character A:**I just need to break the cycle.  
  
**Character B:**Is there anything I can do to help?  
  


the first thing that comes to mind is at once terrifying and a comfort. he almost doesn't type it, it's such a vulnerable prospect. hiding his mouth in the pillow, Crowley stares at the screen in nervous indecision.

on second thought, though...

**Character A:**you could come over, if you'd like.  
  
**Character B:**Are you sure? I don't want to impose, especially when you're not feeling up to snuff.  
  
**Character A:**it's okay. really.  
  
**Character A:**besides, it's probably better if I'm not shut up on my own.  
  
**Character A:**although I don't have much in the way of food at the moment.  
  
**Character B:**That's fine! Please don't feel obligated to make up for lunch.  
  
**Character A:**I'm saying you could BRING a lunch, if you wanted.  
  
**Character B:**Oh.  
  
**Character B:**In that case, I think I might. Plus a little extra, should you feel up to it.  
  
**Character A:**k. door's unlocked.  
  
**Character B:**...I'd prefer that it wasn't, but thank you for letting me know.  
  
**Character A:**and I'm not as decent as I could be.  
  
**Character B:**No judgment here! As long as you're comfortable.  
  
**Character A:**and I might cry some more, so. fair warning.  
  
**Character B:**I'll bring tissues.  
  
**Character B:**See you in 20, okay?  
  


so. this is happening.

with a sniff, Crowley drops his phone, rubs at his reddened, puffy eyes again. the bed beneath him isn't made. his blazer's on the floor, his waistcoat's undone, his necktie has spontaneously vanished. his hair is probably a rat's nest. Aziraphale will click his tongue at that, and then he might get a brush and set to work teasing out the knots. Crowley hopes he does. He doesn't have the energy or the patience to do it himself. it's kind of nice, too, how Aziraphale's taken to fussing with his hair the more he's let it grow out.

at least Crowley knows he only does it because he likes to.

a snap. the bedroom door opens, letting natural light from the hallway stream in. a shaky breath, and he lets his head flop back down. to his disappointment, Aziraphale hasn't sent any additional texts.

**Character A:**angel?  
  
**Character B:**Yes, my dear?  
  
**Character A:**can we keep talking while you're on the way?  
  
**Character B:**Of course!  
  
**Character B:**What would you like to talk about next?  
  


it doesn't matter to Crowley - just as long as it's Aziraphale who talks him through it.


End file.
